some thoughts are so private that you only share them with a therapist or 17,000 people on the internet
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
that was a wild ride
My friend’s dog had 14 puppies. This is how they’re kept out of trouble while she cleans the house
those were the days guys
I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE "YOU LITTLE SHIT" IS A TERM OF ENDEARMENT AND IT’S MAGICAL
THIS IS A CAT IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME PLAYING WITH A TINY PUMPKIN THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT
IT’S NOT EVEN OCTOBER
IT’S ALWAYS OCTOBER
one of my favorite ron swanson lines
A lover on the left
A sinner on the right
valor and faith (x)
#UNHINGED SCREAMING #SECOND GIF THEYRE SO IN SYNC #this is so horrible oh my god #oh hhhh god oh my god #dream team #dream couple #dream everything #they are so perfect #oh no i’m getting emotional #i just want steve and peggy to do everything together #steve and peggy: jaeger pilots #steve and peggy: way too competitive at their kid’s softball game #steve and peggy: matching dress uniforms on their wedding day #steve and peggy: exchanging secret smiles and breaking my heart since 1943 #steve and peggy: BOTH ARE THE BRAINS AND BOTH ARE THE MUSCLE #steve and peggy planning things #steve and peggy eating breakfast together #STEVE AND PEGGY! #MR AND MRS CARTER-ROGERS! #EVERYTHING HURTS! (via)